Sunday, 2 March 2008

Trash TV - You Gotta Love It

So Saturday night and I'm watching the telly, on E4 tonight is the 100 greatest sex symbols of the last century. Apparently these were voted for by members of the viewing public, critics and miscellaneous other persons. After watching a whole 12 and half minutes I'm feeling slightly traumatised and need to share the pain. So in the interest of making you suffer, here are my views on a selection of the top 100.

100. Alan Titchmarch - Apparently people like gardeners.

97. Richard Madeley - Urm? Apparently he talks like a woman, which and I quote "women like". Note, by the time we reach No. 95 I have already run across a number of people I've never even heard of...

94. Justin Trousersnake, Timberlake... whatever - descriptions include "sexual resonance" and "12 year old boy".

93 or was it 92 or 91? Kirsty and Phil from Location, Location, Location - as voted for in a secret crush poll... secrecy may have been advised (especially after the hot tub clip they showed).

89. Farah Fawcett - Then: flicky hair ahoy! Now: bloody hell!

88. Julio Iglesias - Fun facts include "Julio has claimed to have slept with 3000 women."

87. Jessica Rabbit - Cartoons count...class!

84. Diana Dors - In an Adam and the Ants music video... no, really.

82. Joanna Lumley - The 'avenging' posh totty because she could lift her leg to a 90 degree angle.

80. Woody Allan - Hmm...apparently a man who resembles the character from the Mr Muscle cleaning product adverts is a sex symbol.

78. David Walliams - As my partner burst out at this point 'Are you taking the piss?!'

77. Rachel Stevens - She who warbles about an airport... though why anyone would sing about Los Angeles International (LAX) puzzles me.

76. Wonder Woman - A drag queens' costume inspiration.

73. Jeremy Paxman - One of the interviewees' stated that she "would like to be on the end of a Paxo-probe"... now that is scary.

70 or 69...ish? (I lost count). Abi Titmuss - Another interviewee quote "you can imagine her at home, walking around naked", unfortunately after this he smirked and we can tell exactly what he is thinking.

65. Vivien Leigh - What is memorable about this entry is the author of 'Sex lives of the Hollywood goddesses' and his seedy moustache.

59. Patrick Stewart - Sexiest in the 'Star Trek: New Generation' series by default (on the basis that he isn't an odd colour or has webbing on his head).

Somewhere in the 50s. Helen Mirren - A girl with 'balls bigger than beach balls'.

42. Jordan - Apparently inbuilt airbags are sexy.

39. Jenna Jameson - There had to be a porn star in there somewhere.

38. John Travolta - Actor, dancer, Quantas airline pilot.

35. Bree from Desperate Housewives - The sex symbol of the series.

33. Antonio Baderas - Yes, Puss from Shrek is sexy. Although the M&S Christmas ad from 2007 is rather fun.

I got distracted between about 30 to 19, but nevertheless we saw Colin Firth, Colin Farrell and Debbie Harry, and rejoined with a joint entry on Vigo Mortensen and Orland Bloom (19-18).

14. Alan Rickman - Voice, tone and language - enough said.

13. Madonna - Sex symbol but the edge was lost a few years ago.

And the top ten, and these are some of the snippets describing the stars:

10. Scarlett Johansson - Sophisticated with old school glamour and new school sexuality.

9. Johnny Depp - Sex appeal while referencing Keith Richards.

8. Kylie Minogue - Isn't it a shame Danni was left behind?

7. George Clooney - Supposedly the new Cary Grant (no offense but I just can't see it).

6. Lara Croft - The virtual vixen...the nemesis of female archaeologists (especially those who deal with tombs or other funerary rituals) with boobs everywhere.

5. Brad Pitt - One of those people that "people want to sleep with" according to this programme.

4. Beyonce - Best description "Beyonce is like watching a bag of cobras wriggle around", in the sense that you can't take your eyes of it.

3. Marilyn Monroe - Sexual but perhaps in a photographic rather than a film sense, though still one of the best sex symbols. Interestingly the emphasis they place is on her being a triumph, a sensation, and they show a clip of her last, unfinished, movie.

2. Elvis Presley - Again another sex symbol I just don't get. Others would suggest him "King of male totty".

And finally...
1. Angeline Jolie... Messed up but that is all part of the charm, despite her role as Lara Croft (I wonder if that was how the LC got into this chart at No.6?).